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ISI Brotherhood Podcast
A podcast for growth-minded Christian businessmen who desire momentum and accountability in their business, family, finances, faith, and personal wellness. Each week, Aaron Walker, also known as Big A, shares authentically from decades of business ownership, marriage, and raising a family. He takes on listener questions and deep-dive into FORGE episodes with tried and tested co-hosts. Subscribe and visit our website https://www.isibrotherhood.com/podcast
ISI Brotherhood Podcast
111. 5 Questions Every Alpha Male Needs to Answer
"You’re not controlling enough. I don’t mean controlling other people–I mean controlling yourself.” We confront the tension between strength and vulnerability, revealing how finding our identity can pave the way to more fulfilling relationships. If you want to be a better man who takes control of his life in a way that helps others, this episode is for you.
Key Takeaways:
- Is it bad to be an alpha male? Is it bad to NOT be an alpha male?
- Where fulfillment and success divide
- How telling the truth can change your relationships and your business
- Do you always need to be accomplishing something?
Explore the delicate dance between control and surrender in leadership from a Christian perspective. Wally and I dissect the societal myths surrounding alpha males, contrasting them with faith-based interpretations that value humility and a servant's heart. By sharing our personal journeys, we shed light on the struggle of seeking external validation versus finding genuine fulfillment.
With the support of the ISI Brotherhood, we highlight how a community can be a catalyst for transformation, encouraging alpha males to address confidence issues and break free from self-sabotaging habits.
Iron Sharpens Iron Community: https://isibrotherhood.com/community
What Do I Want Challenge: https://www.isibrotherhood.com/whatdoiwantchallenge
If you want to hear more speakers like this every month and be with the guys on the call, join the Iron Sharpens Iron Community today: https://www.isibrotherhood.com/isi-community
Connect with Big A:
View From The Top Website: https://isibrotherhood.com
The ISI Newsletter: https://www.isibrotherhood.com/newsletter
Big A’s Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/aaronwalkerviewfromthetop/
Hey guys, welcome back to View From the Top podcast, where we help growth-minded men who desire momentum in their business, their family and their finances get through the valleys and up the mountain to their very own view from the top. This week's episode again is brought to you by the ISI Brotherhood and a quick question for you listeners Do you reflect out loud or do you reflect internally, like how do you process? So I'm known as an internal processor, but my wife is an absolutely an external processor and it's important to know how you process and reflect, because today's episode is kind of about reflecting. And so if you're an internal processor, it's likely that you journal and pray or sit and think a lot, whereas if you're an external processor, it's likely that you journal and pray or sit and think a lot, whereas if you're an external processor, it's more likely you talk out loud right to people around you.
Speaker 1:Big A and I are that way. I internalize, he gets it out there. So, no matter what type of processor you are, it's important to keep accountable to someone about the conclusions that we come to when we're processing, no matter which type we are right. So, having guys that I trust with my reflections and my conclusions that I make just has a huge impact on my marriage, my children, my business, my finances, my spiritual journey, and I need other men that I trust, really right A tribe that I belong to, and so for that I choose myself ISI Brotherhood. So if you want to be connected and engaged with a group of growth-minded Christian businessmen and leaders who are also making informed, vetted decisions through a biblical lens, go check out ISI Brotherhood for yourself at isibrotherhoodcom. All right, without further ado, let's get the tallest, baldest alpha male I know in the studio. Welcome, big A.
Speaker 2:Wally, I don't know about that tallest baldest. I do love to talk about alpha male stuff though. But man, how you been Things going well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I'm doing good. Man. We're, you know, at the end of November here and man just excited.
Speaker 2:Rocking along.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, things are good.
Speaker 2:I don't think I told you about this, but I have a new little hobby. It's not a big deal, but it's just something that I enjoy doing. Of course you haven't been over here in a few weeks, but I've put out a trail cam. It's a cellular trail cam.
Speaker 2:And so I've got an app on my phone and I'm going to give a little plug. For a company out there there's this new discovery. It wasn't new to me, but it was new to me, but it wasn't new. It's called Grainiac and there are these 35-pound blocks that this manufacturer puts together. I actually called the guy the other day that owns the company and talked to him, had a really good discussion and the deer are eating that in front of my trail camera in 48 hours.
Speaker 2:Wow, I'm getting over 100 pictures a day and he's not sponsoring the show. This is not a pitch for him, but all my buddies are like dude, what in the world? You should see these deer pictures. I mean these eight 10-point bucks that are coming 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning and I put it right outside of my office window and I was talking to one of my clients the other day and I walked outside and there was this 10-point buck and he's standing there eating this in the middle of the day. And I walked up to within 12 feet of this deer and he looks up at me and I'm talking. Actually it was Brett Barnhart. I was talking to Brett on the phone. I said Brett, I took a picture and texted to him. I said this deer is 12 feet from me and the deer would not leave that. And I was like I've been hunting all my life.
Speaker 1:Deer, don't respond that way.
Speaker 2:And that's what I called the guy and told him. I said you putting crack cocaine in these flocks and he started laughing. I sent and it's just fun. So yeah, I just wanted to share with you. It's just been a blast here because I live back in the woods for those that don't know, and just the deer and the turkey, it's just been a lot of fun.
Speaker 2:Well, hey let's dive into our episode today. This is, I think, going to be pretty fun to talk about. We've got a lot of alpha males around us and as I was thinking through this, I was like what would be applicable to the majority of the guys that we deal with? And you and I deal with these alpha males every single day and, whether they want to admit it or not, they face challenges in their life right Without a question, and it's a struggle that's often hidden beneath layers of success powers that some guys have. There's a lot of confidence issues, both ways, overconfident and no confidence, but it eats away from them at the inside when they don't know how to respond to some of these things. And the truth is, the very traits that make an alpha male thrive in business and leadership can also lead to isolation, self-sabotage and a lack of authentic connection. And that's what we wanted to talk about today is how you deal with these traits and how it's affecting you. We're going to really, today, kind of explore the tension and discover the core questions that every alpha male needs to answer to break free from any hidden traps that you might have.
Speaker 2:So I personally know a lot of men I know you do too, that pride themselves on strength. But here's where they struggle. It's with vulnerability. And it's the very thing that I struggled with a couple of decades ago A lot of self-confidence, high self-esteem. I was like I'm going to make this work. But, man, I would never in a million years admit any faults or vulnerability or transparency to you. I wouldn't do it because I thought it was less than being an alpha male. I was like no, there's no way I'm going to. My dad taught me that he was like man, never tell anybody a struggle, a trial and I was ingrained in me as a kid and as a teenager and as a young man. My dad was so private and he was in isolation, quite honestly. But I thought it'd be good to kind of peel back the layers today to reveal what some of the real issues might be in that constant battle between what I call control and surrender.
Speaker 1:Nice, I got a question for you as we get going. Yeah, how do you define? Because I think we all, all of us men I think in some regard maybe not, but probably most of the guys are listening to this like we want to define ourselves as alpha men, alpha male. I would think I mean most guys I know would be like yeah, yeah, I'm an alpha guy. What does that mean?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it means, I think, diligent. I think it means determined. I think it means it's got an air of protection around it. When I think of an alpha male my family I think about the protector, the overseer, the leader. I think it's somebody that's confident, somebody that is not constantly wavering one way or the other in decision. You know, I think it's somebody that can pull the trigger and suffer the consequences as they come as a result of that. You're like, hey, I'm a big guy, I'm going to make my decision and I'll suffer the consequences as a result of that. You're like, hey, I'm a big guy, I'm going to make my decision and I'll suffer the consequences. And so I think it's just determined. Some sense of assurance, protector and a leader is kind of what I think of when I think of alpha male.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love how you're thinking about that because if you go look up the dictionary definition, a lot of times we look at that as the negative side of being an alpha male, right? So, like the dictionary would say, it's the most dominant, powerful or assertive man in a particular group. Now some of those characteristic traits are in line with what you said.
Speaker 2:You can abuse any of those right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but they're not the same as what you just said. So I think it's good for our listeners to think today hey, like we're coming from this from the perspective of you know, a Christian worldview on what being an alpha male is, and obviously there's unhealthy and healthy behaviors and characteristics with every you know situation that's out there, no matter alpha male, non-alpha male, whatever. But I think I want to be the type of alpha male that you just described, and I think our listeners do too. So I think we start off with that perspective in mind.
Speaker 2:I think it's because of what you said that it's grounded in the gospel right, Because you and I both are believers and we derive our directions and guidance from the scripture, from God's Word, and so I think that's the reason.
Speaker 1:maybe that came out the way it did, rather than Webster's Dictionary's description of it, and just to be clear with everybody too, that was actually not in our notes. So I asked you that question, and it's not in our notes. So that was, from the heart, what you said, and I think it's good to know, as we talk through this guys and everybody listening out there, that this is the perspective that we're coming from.
Speaker 2:You know, what's funny is we always have notes as a guideline because we want to stay on track. We've been gotten known to by our producer and he said y'all chase too many rabbits and it's like you need to stay. So they've helped us kind of create a framework that we try to stay on topic, but sometimes we deviate. But anyway, what do you think about, Wally, when you think about control and surrender, Like in your role with your family, with your responsibilities? What comes to your mind that presents somewhat of a problem when you think about control? Or do you feel that you're a control person in regards to? You know, people call me sometimes a control freak and I know that's something that I've battled. Where do you fall on being a person of control? And then is it easy for you to kind of surrender. When we say surrender, that doesn't mean give up, it just means to be the best servant leader you can for your family so like humility coming from.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, yeah, not not giving up, not throwing in the towel, so yeah, where do?
Speaker 1:you feel like you lie on this uh, I think for all of us listening, the idea of control and surrender, like initially, when you start thinking about it, it it feels much like a dichotomy. It's like how do you have one and the other? How can you be that alpha male, how can you be that strong leader? How can you show up big in your business, in your family, confident? How do you do that? And yet, at the same time, how do you have, how do you surrender or come from a position of I like the word you use a servant's heart, right, servant's attitude, out of humility.
Speaker 1:I haven't always done it well. There's definitely times I remember in the beginning of our marriage, especially beginning of our business same thing. You know, it was much younger and I wanted a lot of control. I didn't know I did. I couldn't have sat there and told me if I would have sat there and told you no, no, no, like it's fine, it's fine. But all of my actions pointed to the fact that I wanted control I did a really good job at. I don't know if I'd say it was abuse I think that'd be taking it too far because my motive wasn't off there but I definitely did a lot of like mental manipulation with Sonia early on did a lot of like mental manipulation with Sonia early on and even early in our business. Like I had learned that growing up of you know how do I manipulate situations and people to get the outcome that I want.
Speaker 2:And Were you conscious of doing it at the time?
Speaker 1:No, not at all. Not at all. I mean much later in our marriage. Like you know, 15 years in our marriage probably is where I learned it first, and then I was able to carry over the lessons from that into business and to building a successful business, and one where, you know, it was really servant leadership. I really wasn't, you know, top down, I'm the top dog, you know type of situation so. But it took a while to learn it. I didn't know what I was doing early on, how it was even happening. I had conditioned myself a certain way, and so it took time. How about you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, a few weeks ago we did an interview and you made a comment. We're always going to be honest on these podcasts. I kind of wished we hadn't started out saying that from the beginning, because it haunts me. It's like, yeah, I want to teach and I want to encourage, but sometimes I don't want to be that vulnerable, but the truth is that's what our commitment's been. I've probably got more control problems than I'm willing to admit when I really think through it. There are things in my life that really point to that.
Speaker 2:Robin pointed out something to me not too terribly long ago. I was complaining about something and she said you know, the truth is that you've always been the top guy. We've owned a number of companies and been self-employed 46 years and I've always owned the company and I didn't really have to answer to somebody else. And it's caused a little bit of a problem in our marriage is because Robin points out quickly to me I don't work for you and I'm like, yeah, I'm sorry, like cause that language can carry over when I'm giving direction. And uh, one of the places Robin pointed it out to me that I hadn't thought about it till a few years ago is I've probably never ridden in a car with more than a dozen or 18 people.
Speaker 2:Everywhere I go, I drive. And even in our marriage, floyd Dawson I've been seeing Floyd for 20 years and he encouraged me to let Robin start driving when we go places. Wow, and I did once. I didn't do very well, I did once, and she reminds me about that. But even when we go out of town you know you and I are taking a road trip Thursday I'm driving. I mean, there was no question in my mind, I was driving.
Speaker 1:I wasn't even going to bother to ask frankly, because I'm working.
Speaker 2:Like if you were going to drive, that's good, I'll meet you there, I'm driving, and so that's a control thing and I know it is, I'm aware of of it and I do want to work on it. I may let Robin drive again here soon, but anyway, the part that's a little easier for me and I've learned this over a course of time is the surrender part. I'm going to give you a real life example of what happened with a coaching client of mine recently. I deal with some really successful men in business and they come to me kind of as a father figure, as a mentor. It's like hey, I know you've owned a number of businesses and I'm going to do this.
Speaker 2:Well, this was a very large company that this guy owned and he was buying out his dad and buying out his dad's business partner. And so he came to me and it was a multi seven figure acquisition and there was a piece of it that was in question and it was about $500,000. And they couldn't resolve this issue on this $500,000. And so he called me up and he said Big A, this is what I'm going to do, this is my approach. And he told me what his approach was and it was to go in and tell the guy how crazy he was by not taking his offer and how, if he didn't do it, he was going to leverage a different part of the business against him.
Speaker 2:And it was all these leverage points and strong arm kind of tactic, yeah, and this guy's probably in his late 30s, early 40s and the guy he was buying out in his late 60s, early 70s. And he goes okay, that's how I'm going to present this. What do you think? And I said you're crazy. He said what? And I said you need to subject yourself to this guy and you need to go in there and go listen, it's because of you that this business has been successful and I've got a different vantage point on the acquisition. And this is what I'm thinking and I could be wrong and I want you to prove me wrong if I am, but this is the way I see it and I really respect you and I trust you and I know you're a man of good standing and I really need your counsel on this. And he did. He didn't want to, but he did. And the guy said you're exactly right, that's what we're going to do. I said listen, if you'd have went in your ways, this host guy's rich and he would have made you a doormat, he would have, on principle, not done the deal. And my client called me the next day and he goes Big A, you saved me a half a million dollars. He said I could see it all over and it worked like a charm on top of that, because I respected that guy. That's just experience, I would say. And it's surrendering yourself under the authority of other people. It's being that servant leader, it's honoring their position, it's showing them respect. When you grab people by the arm, you force them in the corner and they want to fight, but when you turn them loose and you show them respect and you show them kindness, that's a form of surrender and the outcome, historically, is much better than the strong arming. And so I'm just saying that we could do the control. He did have control. He was buying the company, but it was the presentation, it was the way he presented it, that served him well.
Speaker 2:Which takes me to a question that I want to ask Wally. That, I think, is right out of the gate. One of the most important questions that we could ask ourselves is in whatever occupation you're in, whatever it is that you're doing, do you feel fulfilled? And I'm going to tell you, I've done things before in my life where it was a money play and I didn't feel any sense of fulfillment whatsoever. People ask me all the time now out of all the companies you've owned, which one have you enjoyed the most and I'm not saying it just because it's the case now, but I enjoy Iron Sharpens, iron Brotherhood now in this community that we've built, more than probably all of the companies I've owned collectively.
Speaker 2:And the reason is is because there's a transformational experience going on in the lives of the men. They're becoming better business people. They're reaching levels of success they never thought possible. They're having significance in their life that they've never experienced because they haven't really thought about it. Many of them and their boundaries around their marriage they're becoming better dads as a result of that, and for me personally, that's very fulfilling, and so I'm very fortunate to be in this position that I'm in, that I have a job that I'm able to be fulfilled.
Speaker 2:So the people that are working in the workspace and you own your own companies you don't feel that level of gratification or significance or fulfillment. There's other things that you can do outside of your occupation to get that. So don't feel like you're left out right, you can get that from other avenues. One of the things that I had to let go of early on in my career was I was chasing external validation, like words of affirmation is my love language and oftentimes I would do things to get that a boy. You know way to go, you're the guy, and it took years to kind of work through that. I struggle with it now, even right, sometimes I'll do things because of that validation that's going to come. So I think the first question you ask yourself are you truly fulfilled or are you being in a situation where you're chasing that external validation? Wally, what about you?
Speaker 1:How would you answer that currently, Currently, I think, as a seeing myself as an alpha guy and asking myself that question. I have, even now, in a season of life where, you know I'm trying to figure it out still, like you know, it's like 51-year-old trying to figure out what I. Like, you know, it's like 51 year old trying to figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up it feels like sometimes and I have discovered about myself, particularly this year, that I and this isn't a bad thing, right, it's not bad to want to achieve things um, but what I find myself doing is I'll throw myself into achieving something so that I don't have to deal with or address right the real situation that's going on, that needs addressed oh wow, you make yourself busy so you don't have to deal with reality yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:so I see that in myself and you know, working to not have that be that way.
Speaker 2:Put it simply what are some of the exercises that you're going through, that's heightened your awareness to that, and what are you doing to overcome that?
Speaker 1:I went through. I've gone through a series of questions this summer and some of them come out of our own. You know it's called the what Do I Want Challenge. It's in the resources section. So if you go to isidebrotherhoodcom and go to the resources section, there's a what Do I Want Challenge that has some great questions in it, some other resources that we've done this summer Disciple Story, unique Ability from Dan Sullivan and, most recently, another book that I've been going through, go Next Level.
Speaker 1:Just a lot of questions that I'm asking myself and having to answer them truthfully and honestly. It's revealed some motivations and about having to being addicted to achievement almost, and that I find it's easier for me to want to find my identity in that that if I achieve that thing, even though it's good, it may be a good thing that my motivation is wrong, and so mostly it's about being aware, right, I think so many guys are like we have so many guys that come into ISI because they're like man I'm top of the food chain, I'm lonely and I don't have anybody I can really confide in and I'm really not being vulnerable and transparent with anyone.
Speaker 2:Isn't that funny. A lot of people think once you obtain a level of success, everything is just really good, then right. So you got all these friends and you got plenty of money to spend and plenty of free time. And I don't want to demotivate anybody, but that's not reality.
Speaker 1:The loneliest places to be is in leadership.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it is because you got to make these decisions. Yeah, it can be. Unless you surround yourself with trusted advisors, it can be very lonely, and that's one of the reasons people join our organization. They're like man, I need a band of brothers, I need people to give me pushback and feedback and encouragement and hold my arms up when I get tired, and walk with me on this journey, and they're like, hey, I'm successful, I'm making hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars, but I don't have anybody to share with, or I don't have anybody to give me feedback, or, you know, I've never been there before. What do I do next? And so, wally, do you find that you, or you even know people that maybe confuse success with fulfillment, like a lot of people, like it's the thing that?
Speaker 2:I discovered, I thought that I thought that when I did too that's why I wrote the book View from the Top, because how to have success and significance the significance piece is what I was missing had a level of success. But yeah, I think a lot of us confuse those two things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree with you, 100% Success.
Speaker 2:You know, oftentimes when we pursue more money or more power or more status, it leads to just kind of a hollow victory. I mean, it's not something that's sustainable, it's not something that really gives you what you think it's going to give you. Again, I never want to be that guy that has a little bit of money and says, ah, money's not important. Money is really important. It's a great tool, I want it, I need it, it's useful, it's beneficial, it's helpful, like money is a good thing, but it's a tool. It's not the thing that's going to really fulfill you. It's the things that you can do with it that will.
Speaker 2:Real fulfillment comes from purpose, it comes from impact that you're making, not just achievements, and so let us not confuse success with fulfillment. Wally, let me go to the second question. Do you prioritize control over trust? And what I mean by that is? Alpha males really tend to take control in every single situation, like we described earlier, but true leadership really involves empowering others, and I think we've got to ask ourselves am I delegating responsibilities or am I personally micromanaging because I don't trust others enough to delegate that responsibility?
Speaker 1:I love the question. I'm actually going to take a different approach on this question. We're talking about questions that alpha males need to ask themselves. Right, I want to talk just a moment to the guys that are out there right now that you want to be an alpha male, the right kind of alpha male and you're a freaking sl slouch right now, that you're not taking leadership in your home. Matter of fact is you're not controlling enough.
Speaker 1:I don't mean controlling other people, I mean controlling yourself, your behaviors, your personal behaviors, the things you're doing, the things you're looking at, what you're reading, what you're watching, the conversations that you're having, the things you're not doing with your wife that you know you need to do. The things you're not doing with your kids that you know you need to be doing. Letting your wife make all the decisions is because you feel it's easier when reality is you need to be in communication with her, helping her make decisions. Like we have an opportunity. I say all that because there's times I struggle with that, but, as a guy listening, you want to be an alpha male.
Speaker 2:Stand up and be an alpha male. Stand up and let's do it right. You know, the truth is, wally, I can't speak for every lady out there. I'm not a lady, so I can't. I can speak for my wife. My wife wants me to lead her. She wants me to stand up and make decisions and not be indecisive, and she wants me to lead her well and cast a vision for our family and lead us spiritually and help make the decisions that are tough. I remember not too terribly long ago and I think I even told this on an episode is we had a very difficult situation in our family and I was like she saw me crumbling, it was like man, it was wearing me out and she said, hey, I need you to be strong right now. And I was like, okay, so I?
Speaker 1:had to take a deep breath. She called you up. She did. I love it.
Speaker 2:She did, and see they want us to be strong and guys are lazy. I'm so glad you brought that out in this, because it is easier to sit and just let them make the decisions. It's harder for us to stand up and lead the way that they should, and so I'm thankful that you changed the tone of that question. Yeah, still, and so I'm thankful that you changed the tone of that question.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Still a great question, though Do I prioritize control over trust? And I think we all have to ask ourselves that question. Sometimes we probably do. And to your point, the leaning into I don't want to use the word delegation in our families we use it in business.
Speaker 2:I think that delegation in families gets kind of weird yeah, and I think everybody knows what I mean, right.
Speaker 1:So if we have a servant leadership mindset, then you know we're going to approach our family, our wives, in a in an appropriate way, with communication and humility. And you know proper assertiveness, right, like you said it, like they do the reason. Guys sit and say, well, my wife, she's not gonna let me do that, it's because you suck at it.
Speaker 2:Right right.
Speaker 1:That's the truth, and maybe there's challenges that you gotta work through to be able to get there together. But, man giving up is not the answer.
Speaker 2:No, no, she wants to trust you in order for you to make a good decision, and we have to earn that trust. It takes time and then, I think, over periods of time, we can say listen, and I do the financial side of our family and I'll go to Robin and say the big things, this is what we're doing. She'll say you know what? You've taken care of us 45 years and I trust your decision and I'm going to support you. Now, that doesn't come without questions. Sure, 100% Right, they ask questions, they need clarity and they want to understand, but it's because there's been a level of trust built over the 45 year period.
Speaker 2:Number three, number three of the five what am I avoiding emotionally and how is it affecting my relationship? A few weeks ago, you and I were talking about some of this on the podcast. If you haven't listened to it, go back and listen to it. It was talking about are you about to have an affair? And in that we were talking about the emotional side of our marriage and, as you've said, in other areas of your marriage. This is a place that I haven't done as well. It's like when I get home at night, I'm so tired. It's like I don't want to go over that again. Robin wants to hear the details and that's where she gets that emotional connection, and so I'm avoiding some things emotionally and it does affect our relationship. I can tell when I go home and I told in that episode that we had a really great conversation that night on the couch. There were some things I was struggling with. I had a hard day and I was telling her about some of these things and she probed a little deeper and asked some great questions and it really bonded our relationship. You can feel it. You can feel the relationship coming together intimately in regards to the emotional side of our marriage.
Speaker 2:And so alpha males often suppress emotions to maintain an image of strength. And guys, I just want to tell you there's nothing further from the truth. A lot of people tell me oftentimes they don't want to join the ISI brotherhood because they said I don't want to get in there and let the facade down and let you see where I'm struggling because I'm an alpha male, I'm strong. They don't say it in those words, but that's what they mean. What it means is when you do that and you're vulnerable and you're transparent and you get down to a solid foundation that we can really help you. That, to me, shows strength. It shows to me that you're really interested in building on something solid rather than on a fleeting idea or something that you're hiding behind.
Speaker 2:And we have to be somewhat emotional with our wives to let them see that level of vulnerability. They connect with us on that and alpha males just don't want to do it. But the avoidance of that can strain your personal relationship, especially with those that are closest to them. Like Robin wants me to be vulnerable In situations over the course of our marriage. You know serious situations. You know you break down sometimes and it's like she's like, and I don't want to do that, I don't want to be like I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to do this. You say it's okay, it's okay, this is important to you and I get it. There's again that bond, that connection. You know it's funny. I told Robin one time I said I wished I could be a woman just for a day, just for one day, no more. Just for one day, just for one day. So I could better understand, right, how they connect.
Speaker 1:I think you'd be more confused. But that's just me. I may, maybe not. I appreciate your desire.
Speaker 2:She said I don't want to be a guy for one day. But, anyway, that's the thing is emotionally. Wally, you do a really good job with this because you really get deep into the feeling side and the emotional side and connect. So I would suspect that's not been a real challenge for you and Simon.
Speaker 1:Well, let me bring this into a workspace Marriage no, marriage no, my daughter is in. That I'm pretty good. Workspace, though we won't get into specifics, but even this week we had a leadership team huddle. But even this week we had a leadership team huddle and there was some deep emotional things that I didn't want to say, I didn't want to bring out, and it was an emotional meeting. And why didn't I want to bring it out? Because my relationships matter, right, and I didn't want it to cause an issue, be an issue, whatever, right. And I haven't even told you this yet because I haven't had a chance really to talk to you, because it was just yesterday that we met.
Speaker 1:But it was super hard to do that. And that space where we got to the place where we trust each other to be able to be that vulnerable and that emotional. I walked away yesterday feeling empowered. That's good, and you can't do that in every situation. You've got to work, you've got to trust the people, you've got to be in alignment on the team, right? We've seen a number of guys in ISI that they use their ISI mastermind group, their band of brothers, that they essentially use them, as that uses the wrong word, right. But you know what I'm saying. Like they, they leverage those relationships appropriately to be able to have space for that, because maybe they don't have that in their business yet, right, or they haven't matured enough in their marriage yet to get there. So those guys are cheering them on, challenging them, encouraging them to go do the work.
Speaker 2:You know, I think it's important that we do that as alpha males, because when you, as you did yesterday, you're facing emotions head on, and when you do that, it builds stronger connections and greater emotional intelligence with the people that you love. And so we just got to get to a place where we understand that it's like, it's okay, in the right setting, at the right, with the right people, like it shows, first of all, that you're human. It shows there's a level of vulnerability and transparency because you want best for the organization, you want best for your family, and it's just a real place. That doesn't mean it's easy, so hard, but it's so worth it. Yeah, it's so hard, but it's so worth it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the other way, you're dealing with surface-level conversations and they're shifting sand beneath the surface and you can't get a foothold. There's nothing solid there and it's not dealing with reality. And that is such the benefit of being in a mastermind group, to where they don't allow you to get away with reality, and that is such the benefit of being in a mastermind group, to where they don't allow you to get away with that. It's like, hey, let's just be truthful, right, and many times over the past 25 years that I've been in a mastermind group. It was so painful to say the truth, but once you did, now we can work from there forward.
Speaker 2:The other way, you're always dealing with something that's the intangible, that's the unknown. And how do I navigate this? Because you don't have all the data, you don't have all the context, and so you can't make an intelligent decision that's going to be useful and beneficial for you or the organization, because you don't have all the context. Once you have all the context, you can go forward. Number four, our fourth question and rounding out the top five here today is my work an escape from something I don't want to deal with? Yeah, yeah, you said earlier there were some things that you were doing to keep busy in order to not deal with the real thing. It's kind of in alignment with this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, have you ever done that?
Speaker 2:Have you ever Not an occupation as far as a business that I've owned? I haven't done it in a business that I've owned, but I've done it within the task, within the organization. Like, get busy doing something, knowing in the back of my mind there's some other things that I need to do, and I was escaping from the hard thing until I was man enough to go deal with it. Now, what I have learned over the course of my business career is that usually now it's the first thing I do, because it tempers everything else that I deal with. It's a filter. I just got to deal with it and get it over with. It's the same way with Robin.
Speaker 2:It's funny how our relationships it would be fun to do a spreadsheet on people's relationships and how they operate, but if there was something bugging me about Robin right now when I get through working, I would go straight in there. I don't know why we end up in the kitchen around our island. That's where we have all of our major discussions is around the island, in my kitchen. I don't know why we've done that our whole marriage. But I would say, robin, I got to talk to you about something. This is what I heard. This is the way I feel. Help me understand Is that the way it is? Or whatever it is? I would deal with it straight on, rather than waiting, and, you know, contemplating and preparing. It's just. I'm pretty forward, as you know, so I just get it out there, and oftentimes I think that we do that in the workplace.
Speaker 2:Now is that we're escaping from something that you don't want to deal with, and so maybe it is your work, maybe it's something else. You fill in the blank, but I think high achievers often they dive into work to avoid confronting personal issues or voids in their life. And I gave a talk last year at the Mastermind Meetup, the live one that we have with. You know, we have 100, 125 guys come to Nashville once a year and we get together and we have keynote speakers, and I always give a keynote speech on Friday night and it was on father wounds and man, there wasn't a dry eye in the room.
Speaker 2:I don't think there was guys that have avoided that. Wally, obviously you were there and you know what we did. We wrote a letter to our dad, whether he was deceased or still living. You could give it to him or not give it to him, but you had to get it out. You had to get it out of you. So we wrote a letter to our dad to keep from dealing with that on some personal level and never having confronted it. And so I think that we lie to ourselves. I think that we tell ourselves, as Brett says, rational lies all the time, and we're always escaping from the reality of it. So ask yourself what am I running from and what will happen if I face it, instead of hiding it behind my busy schedule? So that's what I want you to do. You can do it later after this episode, but you can make notes. You can ask yourself these questions. But are you running from something? Because it's not going to go away until you deal with it?
Speaker 1:Whatever it is, it's just not going to dissipate gay as alpha males, that the byproduct of not dealing with something in our families, in our businesses, in the ministries that we're in, is that, when we don't deal with the thing, we're going to use something else.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right To be distracted by, and often we can create more challenges because our mindset and we know we should be over here, and yet we're trying to force this and move this and make this happen and do this thing, you know, trying to avoid what we really need to be doing, and we ended up creating more of a mess, other situations that we then got to go clean up as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think you're right. It's kind of like preventative maintenance. When you do that, it always costs less than if you let something break. Right. When it breaks, it costs you twice as much, twice as long to fix, twice as difficult. And so just do some preventative maintenance on your mindset and figure out what is it that you're running from and what will happen if you continue to stay there, or what could happen if you were to deal with it. And so, yeah, seek advice on that from your trusted advisors. Get people that can walk you through how to deal with things and how to handle that.
Speaker 2:Last question All overachievers, alpha males, should ask themselves who am I when I'm not achieving or winning? You know I didn't want to read this question, to be honest with you, because of the five, this is one that I've probably struggled with the most, because I'm an overachiever, I've got to be accomplishing something every minute. Every step's got to count. You know very calculated when it comes to organization and you know things like that. I feel like that my identity is tied up into some of that. When I don't own a business or I'm not accomplishing something, or buying a business, or selling a business, or running or starting, I feel like you know who am I. Like you see, the truth is is our identity is found in Christ. We shouldn't have to do any of these things to find our identity, but I wish it was as easy to do as it is, to say it's not. Oftentimes, with guys that have some level of success, they always feel like they need to be accomplishing something, and I think these alpha males tie their identity to what they achieve. And my question to you is is when those things go away, who are you? And if you're not accomplishing something or you're not winning at something, who are you? But the success fades or it slows down, and then what's going to happen to who your identity is or who it's tied to, or what it's tied to?
Speaker 2:Defining yourself beyond your accomplishments is the key to lasting contentment and self-worth. Now, there again, we could do a whole podcast episode around this one question, but there's a difference in complacency and contentment. There's a difference in no self-worth, obviously, and self-worth, but I would just encourage you today, as a believer in Christ, to trust that you are enough. God says that you're enough right, and I don't want to get all spiritual on you here and preach a sermon, but the truth is, that's where our identity is found. It's not in these achievements, it's not in your accomplishments, because, as I said, when those things go away, who are you? So struggles for you, wally. Has this been something that you've wrestled with in your identity, or in achieving and winning? And when you're not, who are you?
Speaker 1:I think the moment, the big moment came for me in you know a little bit after 2019, when I sold my business and at that point I've been married for 25 years and had the house paid off and the daughters were pretty much out of the house, had one more to get married, but she was already in college.
Speaker 1:And so you save for college, you save for weddings, you do all this stuff and you work hard to get to a point where it's like, all right, if I get these things done, this is what winning looks like Right, right, right, and it's like, ah, so I've got this, the big one that's out there that you're not supposed to hit until you're 65 or 70.
Speaker 1:I mean, by all intents and purposes of like the world system is, are your freedom funds, your retirement, and so when you have a windfall, even from an inheritance or from working hard and you know finding success through a business sale or even through revenue and business, I know the number of guys that that are have an immense amount of revenue every year, profit that they're able to to help solve some of the help to reach the goals they want to achieve, and then they start to get it right.
Speaker 1:It starts to happen and you're like, well, okay, like even though I knew my identity was in Christ, so much of my life had been tied up in like having to achieve these things to get to that point. And so when you start to experience some of that, some guys experience, you know, wins way earlier with smaller things, that that can put them into kind of a tailspin, and sometimes it's you know, bigger things and bigger moments. But for me that's what it was and yeah, it's been a journey for sure. I talked about it a little bit earlier, right, it's just I'm probably going to talk about it for a little bit longer on some of these podcasts.
Speaker 2:You'll talk about it forever because it never ends. We constantly got to be tweaking and massaging and aspiring to do better. And so, guys, as we end up today, ask yourself these five questions. And I want you to ask yourself if your accomplishments are truly fulfilling or if you're chasing external validation. You know, fulfillment comes from living with purpose, not just achieving goals. When you stop avoiding what's going on inside, confronting your emotions head-on will improve your relationships, it'll deepen those connections and it will ultimately lead to what we call a richer life.
Speaker 2:You know, I want you to understand who you are without the labels of success, and I know that's difficult. I've chased it the majority of my career and it's very difficult to understand who you are without the labels of success. But true power, I want you to know, comes from knowing your worth beyond your achievements, and real strength is found in vulnerability. I'm going to talk to every alpha male that's listening right now. Listen. It's time to break free from the chains of achievement and control. Answer these questions honestly and take the first step towards deeper fulfillment. And remember your strength lies not only in leading others, but in the courage to lead yourself. If you'll take action on these questions, you too, can have a view from the top.
Speaker 1:Hey guys, thanks again for listening in this week. Wow, what a powerful episode for all us alpha males that are doing our best to crush it in life, and also for those guys that want to be alpha males. Right, this is our chance. This is a time to step up and take the bull by the horns, if you will. If you're looking for other guys to be around you that man you need connection and you want to engage with and you want guys you can do life with. I really encourage you to check out the ISI Brotherhood. You can do that at isibrotherhoodcom. I hope to see you in there, and if I don't see you there, though, I will see you next week.